Adult Children of Abandonment
Today is Sunday, Febuary 5th, 2006.
I spent the majority of my evening entering any key word that might bring up any web site that offers insight, support or information relating to adult survivors of childhood abandonment. I found absolutely nothing on this topic, but was astonished to find that the term, "adult orphans" is being used to describe people who have experienced life with a parent but the parent has recently passed.
I don't mean to come across as being angry or anything, but EXCUSE ME??? Let me get this straight. If a parent dies when you are in the prime years of your middle adulthood, you suddenly are somehow an orphan?
Using the term "adult orphan" to describe an adult that has experienced the actual joy of having a parent or a set of parents throughout the majority of their lives but is now in mourning over the death of their parent is really an insult to those of us who did NOT grow up experiencing what life is like to have the unconditional love that comes with the physical presence of a parent or set of parents, and those of us who have never enjoyed the luxury of remotely understanding what it feels like to know comfort, security, and BELONGING. For those of us who have spent our lives with that ever gnawing void in the pit of our hearts that doesn't go away no matter what kind of company we surround ourselves with, or how many people we experience sexual relations with, or the drinks and drugs that numb the pain of being unloved and unwanted... how can anyone allow themselves the right of calling themselves an "orphan" if they have never truely experienced what it is like to be orphaned?
I find the misuse of the term to be nothing more than a lack of respect for me and my kind.
S'cuse me I gotta do this.. you fucking morons. You are NOT a fucking orphan. You are a sorry, pathetic mother fucking selfish piece of shit if you think you are suddenly entitled to the word orphan.
To be an adult, and to lose your parent AS AN ADULT means that you have had the privalege of going through an actual grievance process which allows you a practical ceremony and closure.
To be a child whose parent(s) have orphaned i.e. abandoned you is to be void of any ceremonial grieving and certainly there is no closure! EVER!!
Ok, I've finished ranting ....
Here's my story:
I grew up in a middle class home, in a middle class neighborhood where everybody drove middle class cars and our idea of designer clothing meant that it had an alligator or a polo player on it.
From the outside, say, if you were standing at the foot of my driveway and looking up towards my front door, anyone would think that my family was the sterotypical middle class "Leave It To Beaver" episode.
To anyone that ever passed through the front doors (which was very rare) the truth was obvious. It was obvious, not so much because of the chill that could be felt, but because of the lack of warmth.
My father was never really there... even when he was. My mother spent her time locked in her bedroom watching the only television that was wired to cable access, eating the only food that contained sugar, drinking the only soda, and enjoying the only room that had curtains.
I can remember being 5 years old and applying my own band-aid to my freshly scraped knee, packing my own lunch for kindergarten (usually an unopened pack of saltene crackers and a stick of butter.. that I would later get spanked for taking because I didn't know what else to take) and being the only elite gymnast whose parents never saw thier child compete and become state champion. I was great at being perfect, but I don't think anyone knew it but me.
By the 6th grade I was drinking beer at the beach, smoking pot behind the mall and stealing trinkets that I had little use for while visiting the mall.
As an adult, I can't believe that I never became a hardened criminal for all of the menacing trouble I would get in to while I was still, "jail bait". I somehow managed to raise myself in a life free from drugs, prostitution and the abusive cycle.. but that doesn't mean that I haven't made my share of mistakes along the way.
I got involved with my fair share of drugs and alcohol, internet pornography in order to pay my bills in the late 90s while I struggled with career options, but thankfully, it was short lived and I never made an ass of myself on the Howard Stern show and took the big plunge with Vivid Video.
I did eventually gather enough self esteem to start a more socially acceptable career for myself, but that only came with having been forced to take care of my older sister who had hidden the signs of Paranoid Schitophrenia so well for the majority of her life (I assume this is an effect of our early childhood) . I found myself being the parent of an adult child.. as an adult child myself.
Somehow I made it to college. I went to college because I didn't know where else to go.
Pell grants and Garanteed Student Loans would pay for my room and board. I majored in Psychology (something that I would only use for my own benefit and no one elses) and graduated a waitress.
Today, I am a beautiful woman, inside and out. I own my own business and love what I do.
My parents really missed out on what a beautiful daughter they had together.
I'm sure the above described experiences are not anything that the suddenly "in" adult orphans could possibly relate to... so please lets not allow the REAL orphans to be denied their true identities.
So again, S'cuse me I gotta do this.. you fucking morons. You are NOT a fucking orphan. You are a sorry, pathetic mother fucking selfish piece of shit if you think you are suddenly entitled to the word orphan.
Anyway, I am starting this blog in hopes of reaching other Adult Children of Abandonment. I really do prefer the term Adult SURVIVORS of Abandonment, however, I think I would like to start this blog using both terms in order to get at least one site (this one) dealing with this issue to surface when people like me utilize the search engines to identify with others who may share a similar experience as their own.
I hope you find me because I'm really getting tired of being the only true adult orphan in this world. It's pretty damn lonely being here all alone.